10 Things To Talk About Before Getting Married
While this list addresses 10 Things To Talk About Before Getting Married, I believe it can serve couples in all walks of life- not just newly engaged couples. Maybe you’re in a serious relationship and want work on rebuilding a strong foundation- or maybe you’ve been married for years and just want to get back to basics. It never hurts to practice healthy, open, and honest communication- especially while preparing for the commitment of marriage.
I’d like to make this clear, I am NOT a relationship counselor or psychologist of any kind. I am also not a marriage expert with 30+ years of experience to share. This list is not about having all the answers though, it’s about asking the right questions.
This is simply a list I created during my own marriage preparations, as a tool to spark the kind of conversations that we don’t always have naturally. Let’s be honest- When you’re blissfully in love, you’re not always motivated to have the tough conversations or discuss the nitty gritty details of your future- but it’s important to get everything on the table sooner rather than later.
So, I share this list with you in hopes that it inspires many great conversations with the person you love.
HELPFUL TIP #1
Don’t try to tackle everything in one sitting. Set aside time once a day, once a week, or whatever feels right for you both. If you find yourselves crossng over into an argument, that’s fine- it’s probably an argument worth having- but know your limits. If the conversation starts going in circles and stops being productive, agree to revisit the topic next time. Some of these topics will likely require more than just one simple conversation. Some of them may require an ongoing dialogue. Be patient, be open, and be an active listener! Your partner will be sharing very valuable insight about themselves and you don’t want to miss it.
1) What role (if any) will religion or spirituality hold in your marriage?
Example: Do you want your faith to be a central pillar in your marriage? Would it be alright if your partner chose to no longer practice the same faith?
2) What are you most nervous about, when it comes to marriage?
Example: 'I'm nervous that I'm going to lose a lot of my personal freedom.'
3) While a lot of things may change when you get married, Is there a part of your daily routine that you really want to remain the same?
Example: "I really enjoy going on a run by myself every morning, and I'd like to work that into our new routine." or "It's important to me that I still call my Mom/Dad/Best Friend once a day to check-in."
4) Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? What about 10?
First discuss your personal goals (such as, "I aim to get my Master's degree within the next 5 years") And then discuss your goals for the relationship (such as, "I aim for us to buy a bigger house in 5 years.")
5) If you're having a bad day or in the middle of a stressful task, Do you prefer space or support from your partner?
Example: “Sometimes when I’m frustrated I don’t necessarily want to be ‘cheered up’. Instead, I just need some space to work through it.
HELPFUL TIP #2
I HIGHLY recommend having these discussions on a porch, balcony, or private outdoor space. Grab your favorite snacks, play some light music, and maybe incorporate some adult beverages if that’s your style! (I personally enjoyed chatting with a glass of wine because it made it slightly easier to let my guard down and just talk openly) Your goal is to create an open, and accepting environment that lends itself to free flowing conversation where both of you feels comfortable being a bit vulnerable.
6) Do you have any preexisting negative views on marriage?
Example: “I didn’t grow up with a lot of positive examples of healthy relationships.” or “A lot of my friends don’t believe in marriage and they often remind me of that.”
7) What is one way your partner could deeply offend you that they may not be aware of?
Examples: Correcting you in front of others, your partner 'joining in' when you’re venting about a family member
8) What is something your partner does that you really appreciate and have come to rely on?
Example: "It means a lot to me that you always make sure my car is running alright. I view that as a sign of love so I think I would take it personally if you stopped taking care of me in that way."
9) How often do you need/want alone time?
Example: "I enjoy having an hour or two for myself in the evenings after work so I can decompress from the day."
10) Is there someone in your partner's life that you feel negatively affects your relationship, or often comes between you?
Example: "Sometimes I feel like your best friend is a bit too involved in our relationship, and I'd prefer certain things remained private."
HELPFUL TIP #3
Add your own questions and challenge your partner to do the same! Use this as an opportunity to explore different aspects of your relationship.